New week, New babies

Another new week has dawned.

Of course, the very first thing I saw when I came into work yesterday was another email announcing another fellow coworker who's wife gave birth on the weekend. He was the one I mentioned in an earlier post that was just waiting for the birth of his second child - of course, both children were conceived and born whilst we have been trying for our first.

Then today the chap sitting next to me announced that his wife was 12.5 weeks pregnant. Oh dear. Open the floor and let me drop - PLEASE.

And you know what I hate the most? I hate how I react. I hate that I can't ooze excitement for them. I hate that I say all the nice things I can think of while my heart is shattering into a million pieces. Then as soon as I can, I sneak off to the loos for a cry.

I hate that when someone says "hey do you want to see photos of "work colleague"'s new baby?", that I say "I would rather not, thanks". I can't even see their happy snaps and tell them how I feel so happy for them. I just can't do it, and I really hate myself for it.

How am I going to expect them to be happy for me when it happens when I cannot be excited for them?

Sometimes I really hate myself.

Other news (which is strangely related):

I am 11dpo today and got a BFN on a HPT this morning. On Friday, at 7dpo I had blood stained CM. I have been trying hard to not get my hopes up since.

For the last 4 days I have been getting cramping. Yesterday it was quite bad, but today it is much better. And it is weird too, or so my demented mind is telling me. I don't feel like I am going to get AF at all.

I have had other "observations" as well. I have been going to the loo much more (possibly this is just to see if AF is here yet), and my stomach has felt really delicate. Not nauseous exactly, just delicate, if you know what I mean.

I wish I could stop myself from getting my hopes up. I really do.

In two days time I go see the gyno about our next step. I know it will be some sort of assisted conception method, just not entirely sure yet which "flavour". I would like to know, if possible whether I was pregnant or not.

My last few cycles have had 9-12 day luteal phases, so I guess I should have the answer soon.

As with all things, time will tell.

God I hate time!