Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Why not me?

So I am definately not going to have a baby this year, that is, unless I get pregnant now and the baby comes early.

It also means that I will turn 35 and still not have a baby. I won't say that I won't be a mother, because I still consider that I am a mother, it's just my baby is not on this earth. I hope I don't offend anyone but I get quite upset when people tell me that I am not a mother because my baby miscarried. My baby had a heartbeat - He\she lived in my opinion. And please, no medical crap terminology telling me that in reality my baby was not considered a "person" because he\she was only 9 weeks gestation - this does not help me!

So we are inching ever closer to that 3 year mark. 3 F'n years of trying to do what most people around me are just able to do. I cannot tell you how many of my friends have had their first and second child during that time.

And it is all the other things infertility has done to me as well. I am scared to look at other peoples babies - scared that they will say things like "So when are you starting a family?". or "Why don't you have kids?". My conditioned response is "It isn't a subject I feel comfortable discussing" or if I really dislike the person "Maybe I do, maybe they just are not living?" Why do I like the sting so much?

I look at babies in magazines and on tv (and in real life too), and I feel sad. I should feel happy, I should think "What a cutie" but instead I just stare and my heart gets heavy and I wonder why not me?

Why not me?


At 6:50 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

....Hugs... I am so sorry your feeling down. I really hope your feeling better soon. Your baby will always live on in you. If others don't understand stuff them, they just don't get it..
More hugs and take care..

At 1:01 am, Blogger Sara said...

I am sending you some hugs from afar, too.

My child lived, despite what others like to say. I saw that flicker, too. That was life! And when I think I should be at home with my new child now, it makes it harder to accept.

I had this dream a few months ago about my great grandmother and she had this little boy sitting on her lap and she said, "Sara, I have your first angel here with me. Your next angel will come soon!" I was confused, did she mean that my next angel would stay here WITH ME or go with her?? So, when I think of that dream, I tell myself that she meant I would be blessed soon.

I think, too, that it seems to be a time when people are having to deal with the pregnancy conversations a lot lately because a lot of people are posting about it. I hate them, too.

Just know when you need to talk, I am here.

At 10:00 pm, Blogger Chrissie said...

I came across your blog from the link that karma to burn had on her blog. I'm new to this blog thing, and one day I was doing the random search and came across karma. Both of you have a great style!

I wasn't sure what to comment, or if I should comment. (I noticed that those that do comment know you quite well.) And since I've decided to comment, I'm not sure what I should say. My hope is not to offend, and not to intrude. So here goes.

Reality is your baby was a person! I know that s/he is somewhere waiting to either come back to you one day or wait for you to come to them.

I can only image the "nightmares" you have gone through. I am sorry, and though I don't know you I wish that I had words to make things better. Perhaps knowing this might help.

One day your dreams of being a mother will come true!

The hard part of that statement is wanting to know when that day will come. I don't have an answer. I just know that it will happen. Have faith. What a strong, dedicated, and loving person you must be. Thank you for sharing your strength.

At 11:26 am, Blogger Bugsy said...

Thanks guys. Lesley - you are right, my baby will always be a part of me forever. Thank you so much for thinking of me. Not a day goes by where I don't think of all the wonderful friends I have here and wonder how their day is going.

Sara - your dream reminds me of a similar one I had where my mother came to visit me and she thanked me for the gift of a baby girl. I never knew the sex of my baby, but after this dream, I am positive that my baby was a girl. I am positive that your great grandmother was telling you that you will have a baby in your arms soon and that then she will have your first angel and you will have the second.

Chrissie - thanks for visiting. Your words brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for all you have said. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.


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