Sunday, May 08, 2005

Extra Happy Hell day (take 2)

I was okay today. I didn't feel like crying all day. I was sad, sure. Mother's day makes me sad on so many levels. Not only am I still a closet Mother (I know on the inside I had a child, but there is no sticky fingered little critter handing me a dandelion flower from the garden- and there F'n well should be DAMMIT!), but since my mother died in 1997, I now have to tell her quietly that I love her, I appreciate how much she always did for me, and that I will never forget her.

I refuse to go to the cemetary on "special days". There are too many people there for my liking and every time I go, I fall into a blubbering heap at my parents graveside. For that, I prefer to be alone, not being stared at by well meaning visitors who no longer weep at their losses. (ok so they might still weep but they don't know MY pain).

So for us it was a pretty ordinary day, except that Hubby made me breakfast (crispy bacon (think cremated crispy), eggs and toast) - overall pretty good I thought. Then we went to his mothers and gave her some pressies. Still I was okay.

Then we went to the supermarket. I was fine walking through the aisles and then it happened. I saw a man in his early thirties, pushing a trolley with a woman that must have been his much older mother or his grandmother. And it hit me. It hit me so hard that I stopped and tears just poured out of me. Hubby stopped asking me how much room we have in the freezer and just hugged me.

In between sobs I tried to explain why I was happy one second and blubbering the next. He just said "shhh you don't have to explain".

This has happened to me before. Out of the blue I get hit with this overwhelming sadness. I bawl uncontrollably, I get a lump in my throat and I can't breathe.

I thought I was okay today. I guess I am not.

When I started this post, I fully intended to tell you some things about my Mum. But now I have reached this point and I can't. I can't share her with you right now. I just need to hold her memory close a little bit longer.

My love to you all, and my hope that today is "okay". I think that is the best we can hope for.


At 7:33 am, Anonymous Sara said...

Ah, sweetie . . . . I wish I could hug you and let you know I am here for you. Just know I am doin' it from afar.

At 10:59 am, Blogger DeadBug said...

Thinking of you on this cruel, cruel day.


At 4:38 pm, Blogger shell said...

what else can i say but i'm thinking of you. *hugs* hoping today was better than yesterday

At 6:59 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Hugs to you sweetie. I am so sorry that day is so sad for you. I hope next year it will be a day of joy.


At 8:20 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Hugs Bugsy, I hope Tomorrow is a better day for you. It must be so hard for you at times.
Take care.
Love From Lesley

At 9:21 pm, Blogger Cathy said...

Keep your chin up. Tomorrow is another day.

You've been tagged.



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