We struggle a little bit more

You know how some days you really struggle? Well today is definately one of those days.

For some reason my blogroll doesn't want to work on my home laptop anymore. I don't know why. I noticed last night it wasn't working, and today at work it was working again, but tonight again it is not working. All I get are "blog mates:" and the next line is "blogroll me" and there is nothing inbetween.

I found out another friend had her baby - last week actually. I only just found out. So although I am happy for her, it is so hard to read how happy they are, how the wait was so worth it, how they spend their days gazing at their beautiful creation. I am just tired of all the trying. It is a struggle for me - the biggest struggle of my life.

I received some photos in the mail of another friend's baby today too. OMG he is so beautiful that I wept over the photos. I want that too.

I am cd14 today and days away (hours perhaps) from ovulation. Of course, I got home tonight to find out that my husband has come down with a cold. Of course he thinks he is dying, and cannot possibly consider babydancing. Of course, I feel shattered inside - I can see another wasted cycle. another month down the drain. Another clomid cycle, eggs bulging, hormones raging, completely going to waste.

I watched a show tonight where they were talking about caravan parks and a lady on the show said "we come here every year - there are 4 families who get together every year and the kids play together". I want that. I envy that woman so much. A simple little thing like going to the same caravan park every year and catching up with the same families and kids all playing together. I want that so much.

What really gets me is that I read everyone's blogs and I see the same sort of pattern. Here we have people who have always done the right things in their lives. They dated, married, and tried to start a family. They worked hard, created a nice home and paid their taxes. Yet try as they may they cannot conceive. They watch everyone around them seemingly get pregnant at the drop of a hat, yet it doesn't happen for them.

They do all the tests. They repeatedly ask "Why?". "Why us?" . "Why do we have so many problems?", "What is wrong with us?". Specialists follow Doctors.

Then after a while they meet people in similar situations. They make infertile friends. Some of those friends get pregnant. It is a huge celebration because they all know of the struggle to get there. A smaller percentage of those people go on to actually have a baby. Some of them stop being infertiles. Most remain infertiles their whole life, treasuring the precious gift they have been given. Primary infertility being replaced with Secondary infertility. Some of those that finally get pregnant go on to miscarry. They ask "why?" all over again. For some miscarriage follows miscarriage. For others, finally a pregnancy sticks and they get to hold their dream finally in their arms.

Some of us watch other's conceiving, pregnancies progressing, babes in arms. We share the joy, the tears, and over the years we watch those children grow.

But our arms remain empty.

We struggle with more doctors, more tests. Medication that makes us hurt; crazy; ill. Husbands that for one reason or another become very uncooperative right at the crucial time. We temp, we do ovulation tests, we stick needles repeatedly in our arms like the expert junkies we feel we have become. Our lives become controlled by what day we are in our cycles, the physical date not really mattering anymore. The 5th of September is of no use to our knowledge, but cd14, cd21 and 7dpo - they are the dates we really care about.

And while we wait, everyone else's babies grow, just that little bit more.

and we wait....

*******************