Monday, September 05, 2005

We struggle a little bit more

You know how some days you really struggle? Well today is definately one of those days.

For some reason my blogroll doesn't want to work on my home laptop anymore. I don't know why. I noticed last night it wasn't working, and today at work it was working again, but tonight again it is not working. All I get are "blog mates:" and the next line is "blogroll me" and there is nothing inbetween.

I found out another friend had her baby - last week actually. I only just found out. So although I am happy for her, it is so hard to read how happy they are, how the wait was so worth it, how they spend their days gazing at their beautiful creation. I am just tired of all the trying. It is a struggle for me - the biggest struggle of my life.

I received some photos in the mail of another friend's baby today too. OMG he is so beautiful that I wept over the photos. I want that too.

I am cd14 today and days away (hours perhaps) from ovulation. Of course, I got home tonight to find out that my husband has come down with a cold. Of course he thinks he is dying, and cannot possibly consider babydancing. Of course, I feel shattered inside - I can see another wasted cycle. another month down the drain. Another clomid cycle, eggs bulging, hormones raging, completely going to waste.

I watched a show tonight where they were talking about caravan parks and a lady on the show said "we come here every year - there are 4 families who get together every year and the kids play together". I want that. I envy that woman so much. A simple little thing like going to the same caravan park every year and catching up with the same families and kids all playing together. I want that so much.

What really gets me is that I read everyone's blogs and I see the same sort of pattern. Here we have people who have always done the right things in their lives. They dated, married, and tried to start a family. They worked hard, created a nice home and paid their taxes. Yet try as they may they cannot conceive. They watch everyone around them seemingly get pregnant at the drop of a hat, yet it doesn't happen for them.

They do all the tests. They repeatedly ask "Why?". "Why us?" . "Why do we have so many problems?", "What is wrong with us?". Specialists follow Doctors.

Then after a while they meet people in similar situations. They make infertile friends. Some of those friends get pregnant. It is a huge celebration because they all know of the struggle to get there. A smaller percentage of those people go on to actually have a baby. Some of them stop being infertiles. Most remain infertiles their whole life, treasuring the precious gift they have been given. Primary infertility being replaced with Secondary infertility. Some of those that finally get pregnant go on to miscarry. They ask "why?" all over again. For some miscarriage follows miscarriage. For others, finally a pregnancy sticks and they get to hold their dream finally in their arms.

Some of us watch other's conceiving, pregnancies progressing, babes in arms. We share the joy, the tears, and over the years we watch those children grow.

But our arms remain empty.

We struggle with more doctors, more tests. Medication that makes us hurt; crazy; ill. Husbands that for one reason or another become very uncooperative right at the crucial time. We temp, we do ovulation tests, we stick needles repeatedly in our arms like the expert junkies we feel we have become. Our lives become controlled by what day we are in our cycles, the physical date not really mattering anymore. The 5th of September is of no use to our knowledge, but cd14, cd21 and 7dpo - they are the dates we really care about.

And while we wait, everyone else's babies grow, just that little bit more.

and we wait....



At 7:57 am, Blogger leonie said...

Oh honey, I just want to come and give you a hug. But I also know how you feel. We have been married 5 years and been trying since we got engaged 6 years ago. Nothing. Yet I watch poeple have them (I'm happy for them) but I also wonder when it's my turn? But then I see others who are only having babies to get welfare payment's. That make's my blood boil. When I was younger I shared a flat with another young girl about the same age as me. Well she got pregnet and as time went on (only a couple of months) she made a comment that made me tell her I was moving out and if she was not pregnet I would give her one really good right hook. She said I just wish this baby would hurry up so I can just get on the single mother's pension.
Any way that's just a little grump from me. I hope your feeling better soon.

At 8:04 am, Anonymous MrsHUGS said...

awwww... Bugsy...

I so wish there was something I could do to help you and Hubby...

I am one of the lucky ones that after 2 miscarriages and finally finding a Professor that understood our struggle and situation agreed to help us try and achieve our goal... But we still arent there yet... On friday we will be 27 weeks, so we still have a few more weeks to go but how many we dont know becasue there are to many factors to consider... It hasnt been easy to get where we are either, taking meds daily and the Clexane injections every day are a killer as well, making sure not to over do things and getting enough rest so the blood pressure doesnt go through the roof, being a high risk patient is just that, so we try not to take risks at all, so I listen to others that are expecting and see that they still work, drink booze, eat the wrong foods etc but I know many havent been through what I have been through, so I just go on my own merry little way with my fingers crossed that at the end we will hold our little tiny bundle that we will get to take home and love and nuture along in this sometimes unfair world that we all live in...

Bugsy I did see that your temp dropped well down this morning, woo hoo, I do understand about when the man isnt up to it at the right time and you think to yourself, Why am I doing this ??? Taking meds, charting and watching the cycle, when all they have to do is, do it... hehehe... I used to tell DH that if we didnt then the next step was for him to go to the bathroom with a jar and take it to the hospital and then they could do other things, man that was enough to make him change his mind... hehehe.. I know I was mean but to watch a cycle go past each month without a result was heart rentching...

Bugsy I am sending more positive sticky vibes your way over the next few days...

Oppsss... sorry for the long post...


At 8:39 am, Blogger Mama Mouse said...

Sweety ... I want grandchildren as badly as you want children. But I have even less control over that than you do. My chances of ever having grandchildren are very slim. My oldest son cannot have children at all. My other son is in love with a young woman who does NOT want children. They will be together for a LONG time.

I do the same as you. I watch my friends have grandchildren and brag about them, take them places and have fun, send me pictures .... and all I can do is outwardly smile and make nice while inwardly I scream for my own. It IS very hard.

I have come to the conclusion that it is not meant to be for me to have the grandchildren I so crave. I must learn how to accept this situation ... and how to accept what God HAS given me. It isn't easy, but I don't have a choice. My children will not be giving me grandbabies to hold and to love, their own or adopted.

I hear your pain ... I pray that you can ultimately have your baby .. and I also pray that you have the strength for whatever comes ... baby or not.

Being a mother can break your heart ... I know. I did not have that picture perfect time as a mother. I do not have it now with my adult children. I rarely see them or even talk to them. I am not unique either.

Life just isn't fair.

Hugs sweety!

At 4:59 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

I have no miracle answer for you. I wish I did. Sometimes, ok often I feel really bad that I have a nearly 6 year old little boy. I feel that because I have been able to have him I am not an infertile. Even though I have been through 5 years of trying and had a struggle just to conceive him I am not considered infertile to all of the woman who have not had a child. Some people will not even visit my Blog because they are infertile and I have had a child and it upsets them to hear about my son. Even though my Gynochologist calls my condition secondary infertility, I feel there are infertiles that think I should not wish for more and I should shut my mouth and be thankful for what I have and never look for more than what I have. I am glad I have wonderful caring people like you Bugsy that care about all infertiles, not just those who have not conceived and had a child.. Take care and if there is ever anything I can do to help you in any way. Let me know and Iwill try my hardest to make it happen..
Love and lots of great big hugs from me.

At 5:23 pm, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what you mean.

We're all waiting here with you.

At 7:36 pm, Blogger Burnt Karma said...

Just want to say I'm thinking of you heaps.



At 8:38 pm, Blogger Ova Girl said...

That's a beautiful post Bugsy, so sad and so true.

At 2:37 am, Blogger April said...

The only thing that has aleviated the pain for me is knowing that I'm not alone, that I'm surrounded around the world by women that I don't even know who are reaching out - comforting, laughing, just being with me.

I don't know if this journey will ever end for me, I don't know if parenthood will ever be a reality, but I know that it's been hard. It's been taxing on me, on my marriage, on everything.

But I refuse to give up right now. Not quite yet. I'm not ready to stop.

I hope knowing that we're here brings you some sense of peace.


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