Sunday, December 18, 2005

My heart has been scattered

So many pieces of my heart have been scattered
I am not sure anything remains

Growing up I believed in the circle of life
You are born,
you grow,
you marry,
you reproduce,
you watch your children grow,
you die

Then my father died.
Crack – the first piece of my heart
I never knew pain like this
Only 20 and my heart already damaged.

Only 6 years later
Crack – Mum – please don’t leave me.
How do I go on?

I try.
I move into my house
Just me and my dog Beau
We move through each day
As best we can
Molly the cat joins us
I love them but I miss my parents with a passion

How many times do I wonder
If my childhood games of playacting the life of an orphan
(after watching “annie” so many times)
Caused my current circumstance

Lonely nights with a damaged heart

Then the sun came out.
I met Hubbs and I thought
“now my heart may mend”

I was scared to open my heart to him
Scared it would drop and break
After a while the tough exterior softened
And he crept into what was left of my heart

We married.
Perhaps now the circle will continue
We try for a baby

After a year, we finally get pregnant
The slow motor of the circle moves on

Crack – we miscarry at 9 weeks
We miss you baby, we love you.
Why did you leave us?

We try again.

We do tests
We do exploratory surgery
A laparoscopy, hysteroscopy, hydrotubation
All is clear
Finally, PCOS is diagnosed
We try Clomid 50mg
Nothing – hairline cracks appear

Beau’s heart is broken too
I hold her while she dies
Crack – I miss you Beau.
You were the best friend I ever had
I wish you had never left me

Her ashes sit in the room here with me
Her memory will never leave me

We move onto yet another doctor
We try Clomid 100mg
Then, 2 years after we miscarried, we get pregnant,
The joy is overwhelming.
Tukka* is in progress

Crack – we miscarry at 6.5 weeks
How do we go on?
Is there enough heart left to continue?
Will we ever make it?

We try clomid again
3 cycles – nothing - more cracks

We try Ovulation induction
It’s hard.
I learn to inject myself
I do the blood tests twice a week.
I go do ultrasounds
Everything looks great

But it doesn’t work.
Another hairline crack appears

Around me everyone is moving on in their circles
They get pregnant
They have babies
Some of them disappear, busy with their lives

I remain.
My tears remain
My heart trys to beat
It’s an effort to go on

I am not sure I am strong enough for this
I can’t stop crying
I don’t want to feel like this
I don’t want people’s sympathy

I want a baby.
Why is this so hard.

(* Tukka because he/she tukka long time to get here)


At 9:01 am, Blogger Mari said...

What a powerful post! I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Please know that I won't leave you! You have been there for me every step of the way, you give so much of yourself to everyone else, maybe it is time to just give something to yourself for a little while!

I'm thinking of you!

At 3:14 pm, Blogger Katt said...

:( Hun that is so sad. I am glad you gave me a warning first..Still brought teards to my eyes...




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