step by step

Thanks guys,

I feel a little better today. Not much mind you, but at least I have stopped crying. That has to be a step, doesn't it?

I woke in the middle of the night crying and called Hubbs (who was at work), and left him a sobbing message telling him how much I love him and how sorry I am that I have failed him once again.

He came home this morning and gave me lots of cuddles. Unfortunately, we didn't have much time together as only 30 minutes after he got home I had to leave for work, but it was nice. He is back on nightshift tonight but that is the last nightshift for a while (until the new year). I can't wait to have him to myself for a little longer than 30 minutes.

I don't quite know how I feel today. I guess numb may be the right word. Numb was how I felt when my boss came to tell me that his life is about to change when his wife gives birth in about 8 weeks. Reminding me once again that Tukka was due just 11 days after they are due. I should be there too. My belly should be large and round becauce Tukka is there, safe and sound, not just because I am fat.

Yes his life is about to change. Mine stays the same. Well that is not entirely true. Every failure changes me just a little bit. Every month that goes by heralds more pain at what I am missing.

But some good news on a day where I am feeling low. Remember me saying I had one more friend to give birth before this year is up? Well my darling friend Net gave birth to a bouncing baby boy late yesterday afternoon.

His name is "Harry William", a lovely strong name for a handsome boy. Can't wait to see the pictures.

Better go, I have a heap of pressies to wrap - including a little parcel for Net's new little boy.

Take care everyone.