I did a stupid thing

My trigger shot went well, although it really really hurt.

Then at about 10:30 last night I hesitantly asked Hubbs whether he was really to go to bed. I knew by his answer of "Don't rush me" that we are going to have a bad night. And we sure did.

Don't ask for the details - trust me when I say you really don't want to know them. Let's just say at about 2am I cracked it, pulled on a tshirt and sweat pants and grabbed my house keys and went for a walk. Well a jog at first. I just needed to get away for a while. I was about 2kms from home when I realised what an incredibly stupid thing I was doing. Here I was - no underwear on at all, with just a tshirt, sweat pants, and my house keys, walking around the neighbourhood at 2am in the morning, 2kms from home.

I had calmed down a little by this time, although I was still crying, and started getting a little paranoid that every car that went by might stop and it's occupants might attack me or something. So I went home. I made it home in one piece - despite taking a huge risk and cutting through a very quiet secondary college (yeah a lot of people would have heard me scream there - NOT), and all Hubbs could say when I got back was "Did you feed the fish earlier?".

I went to bed and not long after he joined me and said "let's try this again", but at 4am I told him to just forget it, as I needed sleep and this was getting ridiculous.

TTCing is so very hard at the best of times
It's harder when his back pain prohibits us from babydancing and all the doctors can do is look at our chart and say "but you managed it at the right times - that's great. You don't need IUI". It is easy to look at a chart and see a successful babydance without understanding that it took 5 hours, lots of tears and a huge argument to get there. Way much more stressful than it should be. Even though I have tried to tell them how hard this is, they just don't seem to want to hear it.

I just wonder why I put myself through all this. All the injections, the blood tests 2-3 times a week, the horrible internal ultrasounds, the painful trigger shot of HCG that tricks my body into feeling pregnant even though it isn't , so I am nauseous and sore. Why do I do all this when all I hear are excuses like "It's too hot" or "My back hurts too much" and my head translates that to "you're fat, ugly and I don't desire you".

Yet he also says :
"Yes I love you"
"Yes I desire you"
"Yes I do really want a baby, more than anything else in the world"

Why do I do this?

There is so much more about this, but I can't discuss it here - what I have said is damning enough. It is but the tip of the iceberg.

All I hear from everyone is "relax about it", "be patient", "It will happen when it is the right time", "It WILL happen", "Look it happened to me, so it will happen to you".

Then TTCing becomes our most stressful time, and I wonder what the F I am doing here. What an absolutele F'n moron I am to even entertain the idea of bringing a child into my life when it is such a huge mess.

How can I think about creating life, when I have thoughts about whether my own life is worth existing?

Don't pay much attention to my ramblings today. I'm tired, stressed and hormonal. Oh yeah - I guess I just need to "relax". That will fix everything.