Saturday, February 04, 2006

I did a stupid thing

My trigger shot went well, although it really really hurt.

Then at about 10:30 last night I hesitantly asked Hubbs whether he was really to go to bed. I knew by his answer of "Don't rush me" that we are going to have a bad night. And we sure did.

Don't ask for the details - trust me when I say you really don't want to know them. Let's just say at about 2am I cracked it, pulled on a tshirt and sweat pants and grabbed my house keys and went for a walk. Well a jog at first. I just needed to get away for a while. I was about 2kms from home when I realised what an incredibly stupid thing I was doing. Here I was - no underwear on at all, with just a tshirt, sweat pants, and my house keys, walking around the neighbourhood at 2am in the morning, 2kms from home.

I had calmed down a little by this time, although I was still crying, and started getting a little paranoid that every car that went by might stop and it's occupants might attack me or something. So I went home. I made it home in one piece - despite taking a huge risk and cutting through a very quiet secondary college (yeah a lot of people would have heard me scream there - NOT), and all Hubbs could say when I got back was "Did you feed the fish earlier?".

I went to bed and not long after he joined me and said "let's try this again", but at 4am I told him to just forget it, as I needed sleep and this was getting ridiculous.

TTCing is so very hard at the best of times
It's harder when his back pain prohibits us from babydancing and all the doctors can do is look at our chart and say "but you managed it at the right times - that's great. You don't need IUI". It is easy to look at a chart and see a successful babydance without understanding that it took 5 hours, lots of tears and a huge argument to get there. Way much more stressful than it should be. Even though I have tried to tell them how hard this is, they just don't seem to want to hear it.

I just wonder why I put myself through all this. All the injections, the blood tests 2-3 times a week, the horrible internal ultrasounds, the painful trigger shot of HCG that tricks my body into feeling pregnant even though it isn't , so I am nauseous and sore. Why do I do all this when all I hear are excuses like "It's too hot" or "My back hurts too much" and my head translates that to "you're fat, ugly and I don't desire you".

Yet he also says :
"Yes I love you"
"Yes I desire you"
"Yes I do really want a baby, more than anything else in the world"

Why do I do this?

There is so much more about this, but I can't discuss it here - what I have said is damning enough. It is but the tip of the iceberg.

All I hear from everyone is "relax about it", "be patient", "It will happen when it is the right time", "It WILL happen", "Look it happened to me, so it will happen to you".

Then TTCing becomes our most stressful time, and I wonder what the F I am doing here. What an absolutele F'n moron I am to even entertain the idea of bringing a child into my life when it is such a huge mess.

How can I think about creating life, when I have thoughts about whether my own life is worth existing?

Don't pay much attention to my ramblings today. I'm tired, stressed and hormonal. Oh yeah - I guess I just need to "relax". That will fix everything.

8 Comments:

At 2:05 pm, Blogger PortLairge said...

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I won't give you any assvice. I am thinking of you.

 
At 5:51 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Fuck that! Why are the Dr's putting you through this? I will give you some advice and you can take or leave it..

Come to Ballarat, go to the local medivac. I can give the address. If you have a medicare card it costs you nothing to see the Dr. Tell him you and hubby have been trying for x amount of years and that you have had trouble finding a good Dr and you want to get a refferal to the Ballarat I.V.F clinic. They will give you one and you can go to my Gyno, he is great.

Anyway, ignore me if I am being rude or giving assvice.
I reckon you and Hubby could be doing I.U.I within a month, two months the most. Of course it does cost money to see him but you get most of it back on medicare.

Hope I have helped somehow.
Take care,
Hugs from me,
Lesley

 
At 7:02 pm, Anonymous seepi said...

I think it is time for a new dr. Have you looked at essential baby website - people put up recommendations there for clinics in various cities.My dr made us do each form of assited conception for 3 cycles, until we moved on to the next kind. I even think that was too conservative, seeing as how IVF was the one that finally worked.. We did 3 cycles of clomid, 3 of 'tracking' (what you are doing for 3 cycles, 3 of IUI and then moved to IVF.
Time for second opinion, new dr I think. Or just tell a white lie to this one, and say you can't usually BD at the right time, Hubby is away.

 
At 7:15 pm, Blogger Katt said...

Oh hun. Hugest hugs from me.

I wont give advise..Thats from people who know what you are going through and might be able to help.

But I will give you a shoulder to lean on and an ear that listens.

Katt

 
At 3:23 am, Blogger Thalia said...

As you may know, we have the same problem. It's been very very hard for both of us. The problem predates our relationship. Sometimes he's fine, sometimes he's not. An ED drug has helped somewhat but is not a magic bullet. What has helped is not leaving it until the fertile time to try, it puts too much pressure on. What we've also done is to buy oral syringes and use those to do artificial insemination - he can do it into a cup without too much difficulty. Not ideal, I know, but better than nothing.

I'm sorry, I know how stressed out this has made us. If this problem is going to get fixed he will need to see a counsellor, I don't think it will go away on its own.

 
At 1:13 pm, Blogger Mari said...

Bugsy - As you know we have a similar problem. When there is not talk of TTC he is fine but as soon as TTC is mentioned it is almost like the 'tap' has been turned off so to speak.

I would talk to this Dr again but this time with out Hubs and mention the difficulties you are having and ask for IUI. Going to a new Dr may help but you are already seeing one of the best.

Please stop blamming yourself, it is not a reflection on you when he can't perform. Hubs has a problem and he needs help, I think that you could be slim and happy with yourself and you would still have this problem.

 
At 10:56 pm, Blogger Betty said...

Oh Bugsy those bloody drugs mess with you mind and make your emotions and sanity go hay wire. And if there is one thing that will bring on an argument and/or the sulks it's that "love making" under pressure. It's horrible.
Bugsy come and visit me at my new site.

 
At 1:06 pm, Blogger Anita said...

Bugs I am telling you this with the intention of delaying your pain any longer....ignore it if you wish.

I went through timed BDing/IUI after many years TTC. I can honestly say that the pain of IVF was no where near the emotional pain I had to endue during those timed BD years! It is demeaning and degrading. BDing is supposed to be about enjoying each others company etc etc. You cannot do this will TTC and you start to resent your partner if he doesn't want to BD but in a world where you are not TTC would you get offended if he did not want to BD?

I am sorry if I offend but I think that it is time to move onto a new clinic and straight into IVF. You are wasting your precious years....and I can say this after knowing what you are going through. Read through my archives on my blog or my previous posts on EB and you will see that I painted my DH in the same light you are painting yours!

Hope you are ok....

 

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