Pulling my inner strength together

There is so much running through my head right now. It is hard to keep it all straight.

As we start another cycle I wonder why I am doing this. My heart just isn't in trying very hard this cycle. I feel like I am going through the motions and I wonder why I don't go with my real feelings and take a break from all this heartache.

Hubbs and I discussed it and we agreed that if we still had some frozen sperm we would try another OI with IUI cycle before we see our specialist at the end of May. So I asked and we still have some frozen sperm - so here we go.

I look at my house and I wonder if I shouldn't just get rid of all these baby things, the cot we bought cheap second hand, Mum in law's baby wardrobe that I had dreams of making new again, all the cute baby clothes, the toys, the pram that Hubbs bought after we lost Tukka to try to encourage me. Why am I keeping all these things? Why do I persist in torturing myself with impossible dreams?

I could have a sewing room, a room for all my craft stuff, all my knitting yarns, all my cross stitch supplies. Instead of all these baby things gathering dust, I could have a room for visitors to stay in.

Instead, here I sit, more tears at my inabilities, contemplating more injections, more ultrasounds, more getting up early to attend the clinic, more waiting by the phone for the all important numbers.

How many times am I supposed to do this? Where do I go, what do I do?

I know everyone says it will happen, but what if it doesn't happen?

Maybe it is time for me to move on, to remove all these baby things, to plan a life for Hubbs and I that doesn't involve children.

But as I type this I know I can't stop. Not yet. I am an addict, totally addicted to the possibility that one day, just maybe I might be a mum.

Is there a 12 step program for infertility addicts? Is there somewhere I can go for help?

Tomorrow Hubbs is off to the doctors. I got coerced at the doctors the other night about why we were doing IUIs. After I explained that hubbs had a bit of a problem in that area, the doctor wanted to know why he hadn't come to see him. Later, after talking to Hubbs about it, he agreed to go to the docs, so I made him an appointment for tomorrow.

Pray with me that he keeps that appointment. Sometime I would really like to make love with my husband again. I would like him to want to make love with me too and I would love all the equipment to be in really good working order too.

Anyway, enough miserable talk. I will be back with some knitting pictures for you shortly.