Thursday, April 27, 2006

Pulling my inner strength together

There is so much running through my head right now. It is hard to keep it all straight.

As we start another cycle I wonder why I am doing this. My heart just isn't in trying very hard this cycle. I feel like I am going through the motions and I wonder why I don't go with my real feelings and take a break from all this heartache.

Hubbs and I discussed it and we agreed that if we still had some frozen sperm we would try another OI with IUI cycle before we see our specialist at the end of May. So I asked and we still have some frozen sperm - so here we go.

I look at my house and I wonder if I shouldn't just get rid of all these baby things, the cot we bought cheap second hand, Mum in law's baby wardrobe that I had dreams of making new again, all the cute baby clothes, the toys, the pram that Hubbs bought after we lost Tukka to try to encourage me. Why am I keeping all these things? Why do I persist in torturing myself with impossible dreams?

I could have a sewing room, a room for all my craft stuff, all my knitting yarns, all my cross stitch supplies. Instead of all these baby things gathering dust, I could have a room for visitors to stay in.

Instead, here I sit, more tears at my inabilities, contemplating more injections, more ultrasounds, more getting up early to attend the clinic, more waiting by the phone for the all important numbers.

How many times am I supposed to do this? Where do I go, what do I do?

I know everyone says it will happen, but what if it doesn't happen?

Maybe it is time for me to move on, to remove all these baby things, to plan a life for Hubbs and I that doesn't involve children.

But as I type this I know I can't stop. Not yet. I am an addict, totally addicted to the possibility that one day, just maybe I might be a mum.

Is there a 12 step program for infertility addicts? Is there somewhere I can go for help?

Tomorrow Hubbs is off to the doctors. I got coerced at the doctors the other night about why we were doing IUIs. After I explained that hubbs had a bit of a problem in that area, the doctor wanted to know why he hadn't come to see him. Later, after talking to Hubbs about it, he agreed to go to the docs, so I made him an appointment for tomorrow.

Pray with me that he keeps that appointment. Sometime I would really like to make love with my husband again. I would like him to want to make love with me too and I would love all the equipment to be in really good working order too.

Anyway, enough miserable talk. I will be back with some knitting pictures for you shortly.


At 4:49 pm, Blogger Vee said...

I think once you have a failed cycle the feeling you are having are natural. Maybe you guys need a break, I know with this break forced upon me, I am itching to get back into it now.

Good luck with the next cycle and I hope hubbs keeps that appointment.

At 5:32 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

Hoping that your feeling better about all of this and your smiling soon. Sorry I am late in responding but I have been thinking of you Bugsy.
Hugs, Lesley

At 6:26 am, Blogger Thalia said...

You clearly aren't ready to stop yet. Have you read Tertia's post on thinking about when to stop? It echoes much of what you say here.

At 10:39 am, Blogger Katt said...

lots of thoughts for you hun.

if you are still thinking should I, shouldnt I then it shows you still want to try.


At 8:27 pm, Blogger Em said...

I can relate to wondering whether to get rid of baby stuff. Before we encountered problems and I was getting excited about trying for a baby, I would buy bits and pieces of stuff. Then, we started down the IF route and in the end, I have the stuff I had bought to the charity shop.
I have the pram up and ready in the corridor but some many people i've spoken to are like, "it's bad luck", which is really a lod of old superstition but I do get a bit freaked when I look at it. You'll make the right deicision for you and your hubby.

At 9:43 pm, Anonymous Meg said...

Hi Bugsy. A fellow knitter and IFer stumbling in. I've only just started this journey, so I hadn't bought much more than a couple of batches of wool before we learnt about all this. Not a chance I'd buy anything now though. I'd be petrified of jinxing it, I think...


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