Struggling

Hey guys. I didn't want to post any more sadness. I am so sick of it all. But I don't know where else to turn. I need to get this out somehow, somewhere. I have nobody else who really understands. Those around me try to understand but they don't. They just have no idea and I feel so frustrated that I feel like I can't get through to them. So that brings me back to here. I hope nobody minds.

I am not feeling so good. My emotions are so out there - I still have the puffy sore eyes because I am still crying so much. My sister's fiance was here today (he wanted me to mind their cat for a while while their place was open for inspection). He told me I looked so pale - I never realised this - but after he left I went and looked and I am as white as a ghost. I am so incredibly dizzy I have trouble looking at the computer screen. I can't walk entirely straight because of the dizziness.

He upset me greatly. He told me that if anything happened to him (he supposedly has an inoperable brain tumour - personnally I think it is all made up), that I had to get to my sister quick because he thinks she will kill herself. I burst into tears and told him to shut up - I said I just can't cope with conversations like that at the moment, with all I am going through. She told me just last week that if something happened to him she would come back to be near me - she gave no indication that she would do anything rash, and quite seriously I don't think she would. I mean we have been through some pretty hard times over the years and she didn't consider doing anything then! Hubbs is always saying that they just think of themselves, well by him saying that to me today, when I am in such a fragile state already, I think I know that for sure.

The day we found out we had lost this baby, I spoke to her fiance, and asked him to tell my sister when she got home from work. I didn't want to tell her when she was at work. He instantly said "we will be over tonight" and I said to him in a very forceful voice "please do not come over tonight. I don't want to see anyone today" - he said "but your sister will want to be with you" and I said "I appreciate that, but you have to understand, this is our last night with our baby - we just want the time to be together, and give us time to say goodbye. I need to be with my baby tonight - I need to say goodbye. Regardless of what you or my sister want, Hubbs and I need to be alone with our baby for our last night together". A couple of hours later they turned up and I was so upset. I sat in my chair and cried and hardly spoke to them. They left 30 minutes later. I think it was very selfish of them not to respect our wishes.

so I couldn't believe that he said what he said to me today. He has no idea just how fragile I am at the moment.

I am rambling but I just feel like I need to get all this stuff out - in whatever order if comes out in.

I am also beginning to wonder if I have either a UTI (I hope this is all it is) or an infection. My stomach is really sore, and it hurts when I go to the loo - not a burning sensation but rather a sharp pain in my side. Please don't let it be an infection - I really do not need that.

I just don't know about this dizziness either - it is really bad. I can't even knit because that involves looking down. Last night if I rolled over, I could count more than 40 seconds before the waves of dizziness settled down.

15 million times a day I think about the babies I have lost. I think about them and I cry. I cannot believe this has happened to us. I cannot believe we lost this latest baby, when I felt so confident on the inside that this one was going to make it. I want my babies back. I feel so very cheated. I wonder every minute whether it was something I did wrong (was it the cold I got? Was it the way I slept? Was it something i ate, or drank or didn't eat or drink? Did I not get enough water? What the hell happened?) or was it something that was wrong with my baby? Are Hubbs and i just genetically incompatible? I just want to know what went wrong.

I have put away all the things that remind of this baby. It was so hard to do this. I felt like I was closing a door on a part of my life. Like I was cutting my own arm off. I put them in the box of hpts, emails, teddy bears, ultrasound pictures etc from my last two pregnancies. I opened the box and a whole new range of pain hit me. I lovingly touched the things inside, remembering my babies and telling them again how much love I have for them. Then I placed the new offering into the box. As I closed the lid I said "I never want to have to place anything else in this box".

I just don't know what happened. I feel so sad, so helpless, so empty. I am so dizzy all the time and I don't know how to get on with life. I can't even use my "keep busy" theory with this dizziness plaguing me.

I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to speak to anyone. I want to stop hurting. I want my heart to function without pain. I want to be whole again (how can I ever be whole?). I want to stop crying all the time.

I just don't know how to get through each day. I know this is just a bad time for me right now - I know it will get better. I just wish I could fast forward to that time.

I wish my baby was back. I want my baby.