Here I am, once again, I'm torn into pieces....

My darling Tukka,

Today is the day that in theory, you should have been born on. Happy Birthday my little angel.

Instead, today I woke up to a negative HPT, and then a little later, spotting.

Today your mum has been in agony with increasing stomach cramps, a major headache, and a broken heart.

Don't you know it hurts Mummy's head today to be crying so much over what should have been? Don't you know how much we ache over you not being in our arms?

Why my little love, Why? We want you with us so very much, that our heart is breaking that you are so very far away.

I cannot bear this pain. The pain of losing you and your older sibling is so real to me every day that it is as if it had just happened. Some days I just don't know how to go on. I wander through each day, trying to spring that little bit of hope out of my shattered heart, but it is a futile effort.

The idea of actually having a baby is like a mirage in the desert. Every now and then I see it. Everyone says it will happen, but still it hasn't happened. Every time I get that one step closer, you move further away or just disappear entirely. I cannot stand this chase.

Perhaps it never will happen. Perhaps we are not supposed to be parents. Perhaps you did the only sane thing you could do, and left us. Perhaps we should give up this stupid quest and just face the reality of living, before the quest itself destroys us all.

Oh Tukka - Why couldn't you have stayed? Would it have been so bad?

Tukka - whereever you are, Mummy and Daddy love you. Happy Birthday Tukka. Sleep well little one.

Your Mum.

p.s. It wasn't all such a bad day. I will be back in a happier post with Pictures of darling baby Ruben. He is an absolute delight.


* yesterday's classic comment:

Hairdresser whom we haven't seen for a while : "Oh yes, I remember you both, no kids but lots of animals, that's right."

Um yeah, that's how we like to be remembered.