Sunday, March 19, 2006

The masses have spoken

The masses have spoken and I am deleting the babydreams blog. crappy picture but you get the idea.

I am 12dpo today. I had some mild cramping last night, but today that has increased to what I would describe as bad cramping. Surely at 12dpo this is a very bad sign. There is no spotting or AF and I know it isn't over yet, but I think it is just a matter of time.

So I expect AF to arrive tomorrow. I am not coping well with it's impending arrival. It seems everywhere I look I see pregnancies and babies. I know most of what I see wasn't gained easily - I know that, and I love each and every one of you, but it is so hard to go through month after month, year after year of failed assisted cycles, negative HPTs, injections (now with IUI), and disappointment after disappointment and not knowing whether it will ever happen.

This morning I cried in Hubb's arms, and he said "don't worry. It will happen" and I pummelled his chest with my fists saying "don't say that - you don't know that!". I am so sick of him telling me to be positive. The way people tell me that feels to me like there is no answer, and they are telling me that to give me something to do to pass the time. It feels so futile. Like if they give me an answer I will go away and leave them alone. Because there is no answer! No one ever knows if I am going to get a baby or not. I keep telling myself that no matter what happens, I am not going to have any regrets. But truth is, no matter how much longer we keep trying, I will have regrets. I regret right now that I haven't been able to get my shit together and lose weight. That, I am sure, is my key to getting pregnant.

I am finding it hard to comment on blogs lately too - especially those who are pregnant or have their babies. I still read, but please don't be offended if I don't post a comment. I just have nothing to contibute as we are not at the same stage and I am really struggling with coming to terms with that. I know that sounds very selfish of me but I am just doing the best I can today. I hope you understand.

Take care all and enjoy what is left of the weekend. For tomorrow is Monday and back to the hard slog.


At 3:52 pm, Blogger Mony said...

Fuck off cramps!!!

I think we have all avoided pregnant blogs from time to time. I get so cranky with myself for retreating though. I feel guilty for turning my back. But it's self preservation more than anything, Bugs. It's not nice to feel envious of an IF sister....but I understand. I think it's lovely that you continue to read & support the pregnant girls even though it's difficult. However I think comments are such a binding need to know someone is listening. A few words can really help make your day.
See what I mean?

At 4:23 pm, Blogger Lesley said...

I know you must be going almost insane by now. I don't blame you, this is hard on you & you have every right to your emotional feelings. I so hope those cramps are a good sign. Sometimes they are. Please don't give in to disappointment just yet, hey.
Thinking of you & praying for a +
Take care,
hugs, Lesley

At 5:07 am, Blogger K|nneret said...

Hey - I know Hope is a fickle thing but when I got my BFP (and we all know what the F stands for, don't we?) I SWORE af was coming any moment - because of cramps. Honestly. I was so utterly stunned to see that second line (of course I POAS'd, despite my conviction). So don't give up till the red lady sings. Hoping to hear good news ...


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